Heavy Mind

This year has been unbelievable. That doesn't mean it's a good thing, it just means I can't believe it. Still. My mom passed away on January 17, 2008 after an almost year long struggle with stomach cancer. Even though I sort of expected it, I was never really ready for the moment. I never knew how those people felt when they lost someone they loved. Now I am one of those people and I know exactly how it feels. It the most horrible, sickening feeling I have ever felt. My world is emptiness. I have this gaping hole inside of my heart. I feel so heavy. I try not to think about it much but she's always in the back of my mind. Always. Her birthday is on the 30th and I'm not sure how I'm going to feel. It might just be like all the other days or I might just be incredibly sad. I still can't accept it all. It feels like I haven't talked to her in a really long time. That's how it felt especially in the beginning. I find myself feeling a little more anxious lately. Like those feelings I should've felt earlier on have been creeping up. I really don't know how I'm supposed to deal with it. I've always been a pretty composed person and don't show my emotions too much. I don't know what to do with myself. I think I need to get a hobby or talk to someone that's not a friend or family member.

I try to be happy and continue on with my life just like she wanted. Even though I know she's watching everything I do, I'm not happy. I wish I could hear from her. I believe in the afterlife. I don't think life stops here. I just wish she would give me a message. I know I'm not ready to receive one yet but I feel so helpless. I feel utterly alone. She was my world and I feel like I'm floating in the dark. I want her to continue being me beacon even now. I wish it were possible. If I had a connection with her now maybe I wouldn't feel so desperate. I feel like I'm fooling myself and everyone else pretending I'm okay. I've finally realized I'm not. I just don't know what to do. I still carry on doing my normal everyday routine, but things are better when I don't think about it all. I don't want to deny what happened. I know I'll learn from it someday. I've already learned a great deal. I still won't understand completely and it's so unfair.

I don't really know how the rest of my family is dealing with it all. We don't really talk about it. That's just how my family is. The sad thing is that some of us have grown closer while some of us have grown apart. You'll never know the true side of someone until something like this happens. Things get ugly. I'm just glad that the people I have close to me are wonderful. My mom was so happy that I would be taken care of that she left peacefully with all her children together.

I worry about my dad a lot. I stress about having to take care of him and making sure he's okay. Of course when it happened he wanted to go with her. He didn't want to be here anymore and that scared me. I know that's a normal feeling to have after losing someone you'd spent your entire life with. Now we just have to make sure he's distracted and has a lot of things to keep him occupied. We don't want him to forget that he has us too still. I know I'll be very sad when my dad leaves us, but I feel bad that it won't be as devastating as when my mom passed. Life's not the same without her. It's something I really feel guilty about.

I can honestly say that I was a great daughter though. I was always there for my parents and helped out whenever I could. I know they know that. I have no regrets.

I just wish I had some direction in my life. I'm so lost.