Happy Birthday, Mami

Well today is my mom's birthday. I cried myself to sleep last night. At around 11:00 p.m. I called my dad because I needed someone to talk to and I just got the urge to call him. I felt bad because I made him cry. I didn't want to do that. He said he feels sad every day and tried to console me. I felt worse for calling him because now he was sad, too. I try not to bring it up with him because I want him to be happy. I worry about him a lot. I actually haven't brought it up once until last night. I wished my mom a happy birthday and told her that I love her with all my heart. But she knows that already. I hope she hears me.
I watched this 2 hour documentary on KOCE last night called "The Truth About Cancer." It was very interesting and sad. It talked a lot about how cancer research has evolved and what they are working on now. They said they hope to find a cure for cancer by the year 2015. Wouldn't that be nice?
I started thinking a lot about my mom's situation. I knew what those people and their families had felt. I started thinking a lot about my cancer coming back or getting another kind. One of my biggest fears is suffering. None of us are safe.

To change the subject, I applied for an auto loan on Friday and they said they would get back to me by Wednesday. I haven't heard anything yet. My credit isn't the best. Let's hope my mom brings me some luck.

My dog Milo has been sick since Tuesday morning. At about 5 a.m. he woke us up coughing a lot. It was really bad. At first we thought he chewed on something he wasn't supposed to as usual but it continued. It sounded horrible. We decided not to take him to the vet and went to work because it subsided a bit. When we got home he did it a little bit and took him to the vet to ask some questions. We decided to wait. That night it got worse and he was coughing so bad. It continued throughout the whole night. We didn't sleep at all. So this morning Joe took Milo and it turns out he has a fever of 103. His lymph nodes were swollen so he has some type of infection and got meds for the infection and cough. He also got a shot which made him drowsy. If he doesn't get better he'll need an x-ray next week. The fucking bill was $167! :( Poor thing. I hope he gets better.

Heavy Mind

This year has been unbelievable. That doesn't mean it's a good thing, it just means I can't believe it. Still. My mom passed away on January 17, 2008 after an almost year long struggle with stomach cancer. Even though I sort of expected it, I was never really ready for the moment. I never knew how those people felt when they lost someone they loved. Now I am one of those people and I know exactly how it feels. It the most horrible, sickening feeling I have ever felt. My world is emptiness. I have this gaping hole inside of my heart. I feel so heavy. I try not to think about it much but she's always in the back of my mind. Always. Her birthday is on the 30th and I'm not sure how I'm going to feel. It might just be like all the other days or I might just be incredibly sad. I still can't accept it all. It feels like I haven't talked to her in a really long time. That's how it felt especially in the beginning. I find myself feeling a little more anxious lately. Like those feelings I should've felt earlier on have been creeping up. I really don't know how I'm supposed to deal with it. I've always been a pretty composed person and don't show my emotions too much. I don't know what to do with myself. I think I need to get a hobby or talk to someone that's not a friend or family member.

I try to be happy and continue on with my life just like she wanted. Even though I know she's watching everything I do, I'm not happy. I wish I could hear from her. I believe in the afterlife. I don't think life stops here. I just wish she would give me a message. I know I'm not ready to receive one yet but I feel so helpless. I feel utterly alone. She was my world and I feel like I'm floating in the dark. I want her to continue being me beacon even now. I wish it were possible. If I had a connection with her now maybe I wouldn't feel so desperate. I feel like I'm fooling myself and everyone else pretending I'm okay. I've finally realized I'm not. I just don't know what to do. I still carry on doing my normal everyday routine, but things are better when I don't think about it all. I don't want to deny what happened. I know I'll learn from it someday. I've already learned a great deal. I still won't understand completely and it's so unfair.

I don't really know how the rest of my family is dealing with it all. We don't really talk about it. That's just how my family is. The sad thing is that some of us have grown closer while some of us have grown apart. You'll never know the true side of someone until something like this happens. Things get ugly. I'm just glad that the people I have close to me are wonderful. My mom was so happy that I would be taken care of that she left peacefully with all her children together.

I worry about my dad a lot. I stress about having to take care of him and making sure he's okay. Of course when it happened he wanted to go with her. He didn't want to be here anymore and that scared me. I know that's a normal feeling to have after losing someone you'd spent your entire life with. Now we just have to make sure he's distracted and has a lot of things to keep him occupied. We don't want him to forget that he has us too still. I know I'll be very sad when my dad leaves us, but I feel bad that it won't be as devastating as when my mom passed. Life's not the same without her. It's something I really feel guilty about.

I can honestly say that I was a great daughter though. I was always there for my parents and helped out whenever I could. I know they know that. I have no regrets.

I just wish I had some direction in my life. I'm so lost.